Well here it is, I’m 24-year-old male who has recently kicked a very serious heroin habit, I was using between a gram and half to two grams a day just not to go through withdrawals symptoms. For the last three years. While I used my thoughts and emotions took a back seat I forgot what it was like to left alone with my brain.
I survived years of physical abuse and emotions abuse, or that’s what I’ve been told. I can’t remember much from my childhood and the memories I do have, come back violently and uninvited
Before I was using I had 3 failed suicide attempts, I self-harm daily I was hospitalized 4 times for it. I was diagnosed either with bi-polar disorder or schizotypical. But always felt neither of them it. I never have been mania and I have always loved to talk to people even though I hate everyone and I don’t mean that in “fuck the world” type deal I mean something about everyone rubs me the wrong way. I can always find a flaw in them that I just can’t ignore.
But as of late I can’t seem to get a grip on my own thoughts, I go thru bouts of feeling so low and miserable that it hard to stand, and I’m constant edge during these times, footsteps seem louder, people seem bigger, every sound catches my attention. And the only way to even semi-balance me out is to self-harm.
My friends think I’m zooming out sometimes but it like a tornado in my head. I can see my thoughts spew about on the walls all grabbing my attention, each thought begging to have my attention
But then there are days where I’m “normal” these days I’m working ungodly long hours while we constantly busy, these days I have no time to think just act. These days I feel human
My life is in pieces right now, I’m homeless, I’m working though but only as lead cook at friendly’s ((I have my 4 year in culinary)) but I don’t feel stressed about. I feel like I should be but I can’t seem to bring myself to care.
So my question is where do I go from here? I’m terrified to ask for help, terrified if I don’t get help I’m going to do something stupid? And what is wrong with me?