This issue never plagued me until midway through high school. I have never cut or tried to harm myself in any way. In middle school, I had a friend who battled depression and would cut herself. However, the issue finally started one day when I found a video that talked about a fan of a band who was so crazy for them that she had cut one of the band member’s name into her arm. It didn’t affect me as much at first, and only left me thinking about why anybody would do such a thing. When the video showed the photo of the cut arm, that’s when it hit.
I felt some sort of panic I had never felt before. Normally, I would feel anxious when I find something that gives me discomfort, but this was different. My body froze, and I couldn’t do anything but stare at the screen while my mind raced and screamed at me throw my phone against the wall. My heart beat so fast and felt like it was in my mouth. I wanted to cry terribly. To me, it seemed that I felt pure fear, and that it lasted for a minute or two, even once the picture of the arm was gone.
After that experience, I wasn’t able to stand the subject of cutting anymore. The word itself just makes me feel downright uncomfortable, very much so that it even took me a long time until I decided to consult someone about this. When I start to visualize any forms of cuts on hands or wrists, or when I see an actual photo of anything regarding cutting, my heart begins to race, and I try to get image out of my mind or close the photo as fast as I can, in fear that I would feel that paralyzing panic again. Strangely, though, I’m okay with violent movies – just nothing about cutting on arms.
For a while, I thought that it might be related to my friend cutting back in middle school, but I would be too afraid to speak of this with anybody to even ask. But now, I feel it would give me comfort if I found that something was wrong with me because of this, if there was anything wrong with me at all. I haven’t heard of anybody having this situation either. What do I do?