Hi, I am having a tough go in my marriage. We met when both of us were recovering from a breakup. My now husband was going through a divorce, and hindsight, he probably needed more time to “heal.” We moved in together after dating one year, and then married a year later. A few months before the wedding, I began to notice his irritability with me and his depression. We would fight and argue and never resolve. I felt that I couldn’t talk to him about anything, because he would get defensive and either not engage at all or get very angry. My husband has now started Zoloft (about 3 mos) and he sees a separate counselor. We went to a couple’s counselor for a year, and unfortunately, she thought it best to go to another therapist, being we weren’t getting anywhere and she thought we needed someone more “direct and a structured approach.” Last night, we started with another therapist who is focused on EFT. After the session, I brought something up at dinner, and my husband again got defensive and later angry. It’s easier to not “talk” to him at all. I am torn, being we have only been married for 7 months and the road seems very long. We are not getting our emotional, mental or physical needs met. Would you recommend a certain type of counselor? It’s overwhelming with who to pick. I don’t know if an EFT approach is best for directness and structured? Is it worth fighting for? Thank you for any advice and/or assistance with how to proceed. I am at a loss…
This seems more like the work for couple’s therapy rather than individual right now. If his symptoms came on as a result of your relationship it may be important to find out what role you play in the interaction. My recommendation is for the two of you to find a couple’s therapist in your area, the find help tab at the top of this sheet can help, and you can also find more information at this link.
Letting a professional see the two of you together may help to pinpoint what the issues are, and if your husband needs individual therapy that therapist is in a good position to make a recommendation.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). Difficult to Sustain Marriage. Psych Central.
Retrieved on November 22, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2017/03/27/difficult-to-sustain-marriage/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 27 Mar 2017) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.