It is possible that you are experiencing depression. The things that used to interest you don’t anymore. You are very hard on yourself. Your feelings could be the result of your having witnessed violence and chaos in your home. Your father’s abuse led to the breakup of your family. You’re attempting to “find yourself” in the context of a chaotic home life.
I don’t think you are “wired differently.” You are likely reacting to what you have lived through with your family. Witnessing violence takes an emotional toll. Research has shown that children who witness violence experience psychological and emotional problems including feelings of hostility, anxiety, social withdrawal and depression; all symptoms you have described.
Many people have difficult childhood experiences. Sometimes they internalize those negative experiences and begin to believe bad things about themselves. These negative thoughts can lead to depression and misery. That might be what has happened to you. It is possible that had you not experienced what you have, you would not feel the way you do. Therapy can help to heal the problems that may have resulted from a difficult family life.
You’re frightened to ask for help but you shouldn’t be. Mental health professionals want to help you. They are empathic listeners who offer evidence-based, nonjudgmental advice. Therapy is a safe place to share your feelings and to receive constructive and supportive feedback that will improve your life. I hope that you will consider it. It would be a great asset to your life. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle