I have two issues. I keep getting mad at my bf for the smallest things. We will be together for 6 years this coming July. I’m not sure if it’s because of my ego, my experience or my genes. My father was abusive towards my mother and I witnessed all of that when I was younger. I have passion for photography and recently, I’ve been trying to find a job in that field. So, I found one that’s part time and id have to work during some weekends. I am also finding a full-time job. I told him about it and showed him the page I found and at that time, he didn’t seem to like it and gave me excuses like my camera is just a basic one so how am I supposed to be giving clients that kind of quality. I told him that it was written on the website that they don’t really mind what camera I’m using and then he gave other excuses. I asked if he doesn’t want me to take on the job and he denied. I already suspected in the first place that the main reason he did not want me to have the job is that I may find a better guy than him and that we will have lesser time for each other since he too has a full time job.
I also get mad when he doesn’t pronounce properly or has an obviously wrong grammar when he speaks to me or when he says ok to everything even when I say that he won’t be able to handle it (he would ask to carry my stuff when his hands are already full). We kept talking about the photography job that I was going to take on. He then said that he wants to take on the same job in that same company. I got really mad because that just doesn’t make sense.
Like how he wants to do what I do, go where I go. He’s ok with photography but he hasn’t tried it full on. He doesn’t even know how to edit his pictures and if he really likes photography. I told him no, that he can find other jobs. In his opinion, I was being selfish and not understanding. He says that he doesn’t have a hobby and wants to try out photography and that what would he do if he got sad and has nothing to do? which doesn’t make sense because not everyone has to have a hobby and not everyone carry out their hobby when they’re upset? I dislike working with people I already know. I did not speak or reply his messages for a few hours to cool off. When he makes me mad, he won’t fail to spam sorry messages which I find so annoying so I’ll take a longer time to cool off. It is my fault or his? He also always tries so hard to be the perfect person which ends up annoying to me because it’s just too much and fake, probably because I’m not like that, not a gentle, forgiving person like him. I was a better person before I met him, before I found out that he was talking to another girl 5 years ago. After that, I became very hot tempered. Whenever I am mad with someone, I will feel like either punching or hurting that person or hurting myself. I did hurt my boyfriend before and I realized that I was becoming like my father. So instead of hurting him, I hurt myself physically.
Which brings me to my other issue. As said before, I would hurt myself when I am angry at someone and couldn’t do anything about it. There was one time I was lying in bed, trying to sleep. I closed my eyes and this image appeared. I was sitting on the floor with a large knife in hand, with my knees close to my chest. I then started to slice my leg from my knee vertically down to my feet. I could see the red meat, but there was no blood. That same image repeated thrice. I promise you I wasn’t day dreaming. But I’m not sure if I was dreaming but I’m sure I wasn’t asleep. I was so calm. When the third time the image repeated, my brain started to panic, knowing that it’s wrong to have a ‘dream’ like that but my heart was still very calm. I forced myself to open my eyes. I did not know what exactly or why it happened and I’m hoping to get an answer. During that period when I had that ‘dream’, I was trying very hard not to hurt myself because I know it’s wrong. (From Singapore)