I have been diagnosed with GAD, persistent depressive disorder, and executive functioning deficits. I’ve been in CBT for 2 and a half years, I’ve tried 9 medications (none have worked), I don’t trust mental health professionals because I’m afraid of what they (and my parents) will do to me if I tell the truth. I was abused by my mother from ages 6-11, I was sexually abused from ages 7-9. Everyone around me hates me, everyone thinks I’m crazy. I think I’m crazy. Nothing ever eases the pain, I cry multiple times a day. My executive functioning is terrible, I have stubborn depression and anxiety, but I think something else might be wrong with me. I suspect BPD because a lot of the things/thought processes I have/do are congruent with the symptoms. I guess I’ll never know though, because I’m too afraid to be honest with a doctor. I feel so empty, I can’t control myself. I have misused drugs, vandalized property, I’m failing 3 of my classes. I feel unstable, like I don’t have a set personality. (My therapist described this as “a weak sense of self”.)
I have a lot of sleeping issues too. I seldom get more than 5 hours a night. I consume a lot of caffeine and take more Vyvanse than I am supposed to in hopes of feeling energized. It never works though. I just feel sick afterwards.
I find excuses to self harm sometimes. I gave myself a tattoo, and touch it up as often as I can because I enjoy feeling the pain from the needle. I burn myself with hot glue guns. I scratch myself with my fingernails. I cut myself sometimes, but not too often, out of fear of scars. I take care of the wounds so that they heal properly and no one know because no scars are left behind.
When I was twelve, I tried to kill myself. I lied my way out of being committed to a psychiatric hospital. I have nightmares about it and I get very upset when I think about it.
I want to kill myself, but I won’t because I don’t want to make the few people who care about me sad. I wouldn’t wish that grief/guilt upon them.
I don’t know if I will live to see my fifteenth birthday. In a way, I hope I don’t. Please help me.Don’t Know What to Do Anymore
Don’t Know What to Do Anymore
A mistake that you are making is withholding key information from the very people who could help you. If you don’t tell them the truth, they can’t help you. It is that simple.
Your withholding the truth, from the people who could help you, is another form of self-harm. As you have described, you are currently utilizing multiple methods of self-harm as a way to relieve your emotional pain. The problem with that strategy is that it doesn’t work. People who engage in self-harm often defend it by saying that it relieves stress but that relief is fleeting. If it doesn’t last, then it doesn’t work. Self-harm is never a way to improve one’s mental health.
If you truly want help and you want to feel better, then you must begin with the truth. It will be difficult but you should do it anyway. You have mental health professionals at your disposal that could help you if you told them the truth. If you continue to hide the truth, you will continue to suffer. Don’t be your own worst enemy. You must stop this self-sabotage. It is time to try a new strategy. It is the only way forward. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle