So, my fiancé and I have been together for 3 and a half years. We are 9 months away from the wedding and I find myself having doubts. However, my fiancé is wonderful. He’s completely in love with me. Our values are aligned, he’s my best friend, and logically we’re just a perfect match. And then just recently someone else entered my life and has made me question every belief I’ve ever had. I can’t get him out of my head no matter how hard I try to do so for the sake of my relationship. It’s not lust or a purely physical attraction. I just feel like I’ve found a kindred spirit in him and I think I’m in love with him. He doesn’t know how I feel and part of me doesn’t even think he would feel the same way about me because there are some barriers we would have to work through. One of which is that he’s one of my fiancé’s best friends. I know I need to sit down with my fiancé and tell him I’m having doubts. I don’t know if I should tell him about these other feelings I’m having and I don’t know how to figure out what to do to reach a path I want to take. Right now, it just seems like no matter what I do I’m stuck and I feel like I can’t speak to anyone about how I’m feeling because they will just all think I’d be throwing everything away because my fiancé is just great.
It is time for you to have that difficult talk with your fiancé. Let him know you have doubts because that is the most important thing. In the vast majority of these situations the other person isn’t more than a symptom of an uncertainty in the relationship.
Tell your fiancé that you are having doubts and see how he responds. Going forward you can always use couples therapy (the find help tab at the top of the page will locate someone in your area). But until you hear his reaction it will be hard to plan going forward. He may have doubts too that he has been unable to air — so the first step is to talk about what isn’t working and then take it from there.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). Doubts about Getting Married. Psych Central.
Retrieved on November 11, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2017/03/16/doubts-about-getting-married/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.