Thank you for writing. You have already shown that you do have control. You have resisted the impulse to hurt others thus far and now you are writing to us here at PsychCentral. There is a core of health at work here. Now let’s build on that.
There’s a saying: “Hurt people hurt people.” Your impulse to hurt others is probably a way you are dealing with your own pain. Your defense against any show of weakness is to feel aggressive. It’s understandable. It may even work for the short run as long as you confine the response to feelings, not action. But, as you already know, unless you find other ways to manage your fears, they will eventually pop and both hurt someone else and get yourself into serious trouble.
What you need is some focused therapy to help you deal with whatever happened that you don’t want to talk about. With help, you can find other ways to feel strong and be strong. With the support and advice that therapy can provide, you can get past whatever it was that hurt you so profoundly. Please take care of yourself by looking for a therapist who specializes in working with young people.
In the meantime: There are a number of hotlines available to teens. Calls are confidential and free. Go to https://psychcentral.com/lib/common-hotline-phone-numbers/ to find the phone numbers. Counselors are available to help you talk out whatever is troubling you at the time and to help you find further help if you need it.
I wish you well.