When I was about fourteen I thought I was a narcissus because I met almost all of the requirements, and I still do. Now, I match almost all of the requirements for antisocial personality disorder too. I know these quizzes aren’t meant to diagnose people but I score very high on all of them, including psychopath quizzes, and only these three and I’ve taken a lot of these quizzes.
I don’t care about others feelings, I don’t care if people die, I sometimes want to kill people too. I used to want to kill people a lot more when a couple years ago, and have actually considered killing my parents and sister before. I sometimes have to numb myself so I don’t blurt these things aloud or follow through with these actions, but after a while, I get tired of lying to myself.
Last week was the deepest I thought about the way I see things and have come to terms with my behavior: I have elaborate schemes about emotionally and sexually controlling people and I love it and feel like everyone around me is an absolute idiot, and have no problem thinking the absolute worst of anyone. I don’t care about my family, I hate doing anything I don’t want to do, and I only have relationships to manipulate people into giving me what I want. I’m obviously not going to do this because I don’t think I’ll get away with it, but if I could murder, rape and steal, without getting caught, I would do it whenever I want. I really do not care about how my actions affect others and it’s hard for me to feel bad because I’ve never felt any other way in my life. I’ve been like this since I was in preschool and I’ve learned the hard way to control it. The only time I can truly relate to someone is a hobby, but not on an emotional level. I can see people’s weaknesses very easily and unconsciously figure out who’s easiest to manipulate, but I never really feel like anyone understands me and I’m constantly lying and wearing a mask to pretend to be normal.
I’m currently seeking a psychologist for a proper diagnosis, but am I right to be worried that I have one of these disorders?