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Thinking Negative, Wants to Be Alone and Aloof

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We have been married now for 21 years and have a son aged 20. My wife is very very possessive of me and my son. She lost her mother when she was 20. She has completed her graduation and currently she is house wife.

She went through menopause at the age of 43. She is not on any medication as such till now.

Issues which I am facing for the last 10 years:
1. She does not like to socialize even though she has friends.
2. She wants to be alone and just be with son and husband.
3. She does not want any one to come home and stay with us even for a day.
4. She keeps thinking some or the other issues and keeps herself restless.
5. She always has negative thinking that something will go wrong or some thing is going to happen.
6. She is very brave but always frightened, she does not show her weakness by showing that fear. Instead she starts shouting at people or get irritated very fast.
7. She does not want to change her lifestyle or routine and keeps thinking that she likes the way she is and does not want to change.
8. Some or the other thoughts keeps running in her mind always.
9. She feels that all others around her are only acting and not genuine.
10. she wants to be happy, but feels that being happy something may go wrong so she restricts herself being happy.
11. She hates Mother in law and always thinks that mother in law is planning something against her even though there is nothing that occurs or planned as such.
12. She knows that she is wrong, but does not want to accept it stating that she likes to be like that.
13. She is very clear that she does not want to change at all.
14. She does not want to be busy also and says that she does what she likes and don’t want to be busy with work or some activity.
15. She loves going to Gym and she does it by heart every day.

Need some help, suggestions to change her attitude and stop making her keep thinking and getting wrong or negative thinking. Thanks very much. (From India)

Thinking Negative, Wants to Be Alone and Aloof

Answered by on -

A.

“Things don’t change, we change.” – Henry David Thoreau.

The issue here isn’t so much about your wife needing to change, but for you to change. It is time to stop walking on eggshells and break out of her orbit. Her pathology sounds entrenched, she has been this way for a very long time, and she has declared very clearly she is not going to change. This means you and your son will have to do things that suit your growth and development rather than let her determine what can and can’t happen in your lives. Letting someone with such limitations control your life isn’t healthy for them, for you or for your son. It is time to do more of what you want and need to do rather than worrying about what is deemed okay by her. This may mean going out on your own to socialize with friends, inviting a friend over just for you or have you son do this. This is very likely to cause her irritation, but this may be the very thing she needs to grow. Just because she is uncomfortable with change doesn’t mean it is wrong or that she doesn’t need it. Of course the biggest hope would be that the irritation prompts a change in her behavior, perhaps even to seek medicine or therapy. But even if it doesn’t, you won’t be trying to appease her and begin living your own lives with more freedom.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Thinking Negative, Wants to Be Alone and Aloof

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Thinking Negative, Wants to Be Alone and Aloof. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 22, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2017/02/28/thinking-negative-want-to-be-alone-and-aloof/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.