Thank you for writing. Please consider this: Sometimes it is the really smart people who are most concerned with the big philosophical questions around life’s meaning. Thinking about such things can be both fascinating and overwhelming. Sometimes that makes it hard to relate to peers. You may also indeed have depression which compounds your inability to relate to others your age.
Of more concern to me than figuring out a diagnosis or cause of your distress is that you haven’t allowed your helpers to be helpful. You think medication didn’t work, but I have to wonder if you took it as prescribed. You admit that you didn’t make use of therapy. You say you want to “go somewhere in life”, but you don’t seem to be doing your share to get there.
Instead of focusing on figuring out what’s wrong, why not put effort into making things right? Yes, you can. A place to start is the Authentic Happiness Website (https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/home). Click on the Questionnaires tab and take the VIA Survey of Signature Strengths. This will help you identify your inner strengths so you can begin to use them to help yourself.
Then get into therapy and do it for real. Therapists can only help those who partner with them. You bring your life story to each session and the therapist brings skills to help you. The therapist can’t do much that is useful unless you are willing to be an honest participant. One way to begin would be to bring your letter and this response to the first session. That will help the therapist know where to start.
If your therapist thinks that medication is needed, give it a real chance. That means taking it every day as prescribed for at least a month. It takes that long to determine if a medication is effective.
Clearly you are book smart if you can get average grades without putting in any effort. But being smart about yourself and your life will take some effort. You need to make a commitment to developing self-awareness and to trying out different ways to live. A therapist will provide the support and encouragement you need while you make those changes. It’s likely that your parents and teachers will also help you — but only if you let them.
I wish you well.