I struggle to maintain long term relationships, both with friends and partners. My last proper relationship was over 6 years ago. It was love at first sight. I was infatuated and when I felt he was straying I suffered get anxiety and developed anorexia (now self managed). He cheated on me. Since I’ve felt very alone and now I tend to get close to guys and find it very easy to be intimate. Once they develop more feelings I push them away. They become my friends and I enjoy having sex. I think I use sex to make myself feel better. I can spend a week with someone and we act like we are in a loving relationship, but as soon as I leave that friend I don’t retain those feelings. It’s almost like I have the opposite of attachment disorder because as soon as they attempt to make the relationship monogamous I run. One guy is quite a bit younger. I have been honest and told him we will not be in a relationship he has told me he is in love with me. Even still, when I am sad we have sex. I don’t want a relationship with him, but enjoy the intimacy. I know that when I end it again he will be hurt. There are others like this. I think it makes me a bad person even though I am fully honest with them.
In terms of friends I don’t really have any that last for more than a couple of years. I think I have very high expectations of people, but I am very forgiving. Often they are less forgiving in return. I am not in competition with my friends, but often feel that they are competing with me, especially professional friends. I struggle with this and often begin to distrust them. I protected one professionally for sometime, but recently she and another friend didn’t give me the same curtesy and I am now under a formal investigation at work. Others have said it is premeditated, but I don’t want to feel paranoid about it. Neither have apologized. My self-esteem is low. I am concerned about how I can become so intimately involved with someone and the next day act like nothing has happened. Also I worry about why I can not maintain friendships over a period of time. (From the UK)