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Mother Holding Grudge

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I was abused as a child along with my 2 brothers and mother. Our relationships with each other as adults tend to be rocky. My brothers are explosive towards anyone when mad. my mother puts us against each other at times. From another marriage my mom had my youngest bro who I was the main caregiver To when she was diagnosed with breast cancer and received treatment since it was 15 I cared for my special needs bro for 11 years doing all his personal care my life has revolved around him. My parents tended to be controlling of me cause of this. Always needing me home never allowing me to have independence without some sort of threat. I ended up self-harming again those last 2 yrs in the home. I was stressed and overwhelmed. I ended up meeting a man that I now call my husband and I’m in a very healthy and happy relationship. However I made the decision to move without warning to my parents. And they reacted as I suspected my one brother cursed me out. My mother told me I was a bad sister and that I wasn’t allowed to see my brother whom I cared for. My stepdad refused to see me. And so I left. I have tried to maintain a relationship with my family. But my mother is constantly finding reasons to not talk to me or remind me that I’m bad for leaving. My special needs bro I have had no contact with as she says he misses me and only will make it worse. My other brothers are mad I left and cut off all communication. And I’m starting to feel like I should just quit trying. I want so bad to have my family. But I don’t know how to fix this? I have said sorry for hurting their feelings for a year now but we haven’t made any progress.

Mother Holding Grudge

Answered by on -


I am sorry you’ve had to deal with the abuse and now with a selfish mother. Leaving was what you needed to do for self-care. I’d invest my time and energy into building a life you can enjoy. A mother who treats you so poorly, feels she is entitled to enslave you, and then try to make you feel guilty for growing up doesn’t have much to offer. You are 26 and need to build a life of your own. Let her hold a grudge, or be angry, or whatever else she wants to do. My guess is that as time goes on you’ll find a way to reconnect with your special needs brother. But until then I would enter into some type of counseling to grieve leaving your family as you build a life for yourself.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Mother Holding Grudge

Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp:

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Mother Holding Grudge. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 30, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 19 Feb 2017)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych All rights reserved.