When you say that you want to stop obsessing I am not sure what you mean. Are you obsessing over the fact that you had been lied to in such a bold and outright manner? Are you obsessing about how you could have believed his lies or how he got away with lying for two years? I am not precisely sure what you mean by “obsessed.”
It’s never easy to end a relationship with someone you love. Yes he is married but I’m sure that doesn’t change how much it hurts. I am sorry you’re having so much difficulty with this loss.
Don’t blame yourself for his lies. Throughout your letter you refer to yourself as stupid. You are not stupid. In addition, you did eventually come to find the truth. Give yourself credit for being brave enough to seek the truth and accept it.
It’s never a good idea to date a married man or woman. It’s very common for the married person to say they are going to leave their spouse but they don’t. Often they have no intention of leaving their spouse. Unfortunately you are directly experiencing the hazards of dating a married man.
If you do enter a relationship with a married individual you need to have the right expectations. You are learning the hard way not to expect a married individual to leave their spouse. Expect that the relationship with a married individual will usually be short-lived and non-serious. The only “safe” time to consider dating an individual who is still legally married is when they are nearing the end of a divorce. That might be the only time when you can be sure they are truly ending their marriage.
I know it’s not going to be easy to overcome the loss that you feel. But at least you know the truth. Realize that finding the truth saved you from continuing a relationship with a man who was willing to cheat and lie. I hope that you realize that no one is worth harming yourself for. I would encourage you to try to move on. You can overcome the loss you feel and it will get easier with time. If you have difficulty and still feel like harming yourself I’d strongly consider seeing a therapist. I wish you luck.
This article has been updated from the original version, which was originally published here on February 17, 2009.