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Mom Has Disowned Me because of Boyfriend

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From the U.S.: I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. My parents have met him on several different occasions and it seemed like they got along. My dad would even hug him at the end of the night, which is big for him. Unfortunately, I would get snide comments in an email the next day about flaws and red flags that they saw about him.

Instead of explaining to my parents that maybe they don’t know him as well as I do, I started to pull my relationship away from my parents. I went back to school this past fall and moved in with my boyfriend the week before. I did not tell my parents and essentially lied about to them.

Well they found out and as you can imagine, things did not go over well. They believe that I have been manipulated by him to do whatever he wants and cannot stand up for myself. The girl they knew 2 years ago would never have made the decisions that I have made.

I have decided after this semester of school that I am moving back to my home town and I want to move in with my boyfriend. He is the love of my life and makes me so very happy. There is never a dull moment in our relationship and we do plan on getting engaged within the next couple of months.

When I told my mom about this, she wrote me off and told me she wants nothing to do with me. Some background: my parents are hard-core Catholics and are firmly against living together before marriage. And while I am a practicing Catholic, I do not hold these same ideas. But my mom also doesn’t think my boyfriend is good enough for me; she and some of my other family members believe I have compromised myself to him but he has given me nothing.

So now I have torn my family apart. My aunts and uncles are talking to me to see if my boyfriend is really worth throwing my family away. I want to have both in my life but I’m not sure that is an option anymore. I need help.

Mom Has Disowned Me because of Boyfriend

Answered by on -

A.

You’ve learned a hard lesson about what lies and avoidance can do. Your folks are understandably upset. What started as concern for you has morphed into a major reaction to what they see as a betrayal of all they stand for. You may have thought you were doing a romantic thing by moving in with your boyfriend but you only demonstrated to them that you are immature.

Unfortunately, no one is currently acting like the grown up they are, including you and your boyfriend. The two of you owe your parents a major and heart-felt apology. I hope you can remember that your parents’ concern comes from love. Your parents owe you the respect to listen. I hope they can remember that they didn’t raise a stupid person.

Hopefully you all love each other enough to find a way to find a “re-set” button. If you don’t think you can handle a frank conversation that will require some compromising, think about whether involving a family therapist or mediator or a priest you trust might help.

The stakes here are high. Marriages where someone like yourself feels she has to choose between the people she loves often don’t last.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Mom Has Disowned Me because of Boyfriend

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). Mom Has Disowned Me because of Boyfriend. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 26, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2017/02/07/mom-has-disowned-me-because-of-boyfriend/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.