It is not uncommon for people with trauma histories to experience homicidal thoughts. Your father had the power to “destroy [your] family” and you could do nothing about it. He had all the control. In your homicidal fantasies, you are the all-powerful one. You have the power to destroy life. It’s possible that your homicidal thoughts are a form of psychological compensation stemming from feelings of powerlessness that you may have felt (and may continue to feel) as a victim of his abuse.
Attempting to determine the source of your homicidal thoughts is an interesting psychological exercise but what’s most important is ensuring that you never act on them. By your own admission, you are having difficulty controlling your thoughts and anyone who is having this problem should consult a mental health professional. They can help you and prevent you from harming people. Medication might also help.
It’s good that you are thinking proactively about this problem. It is what you should be doing. Until you are certain that you will never act on your homicidal thoughts, you should be continuously working with mental health professionals. In an emergency situation, go to the hospital for safety. They will protect you from harming other people. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle