Basically, I practically can’t work or do much beyond common tasks. Something in the process causes strong and very painful emotions I can’t nor identify nor find the cause.
Even thinking about tasks like paperhanging a room or changing the way incoming data are saved in the program (I’m a developer) causes extreme frustration and perplexity. I can’t get myself together for a very long time, lay task aside, and find reasons to not do it or do something less frustrating to stall time. Although, I can’t guarantee that this is a correct description, most of situations like that are as in the fog and I don’t fully remember what is happening. And each time I turn my attention to any of such situations it causes the same emotional reaction. Trying to analyze them is hard to the point that it took me around two and a half years together this much information.
The effects of emotions are very strong, at first I required weeks to recover and gather strength. Which usually was lost in literally few minutes as I returned to work.
It also gets in the way of learning. I tried to paint or model something many times and as soon as something goes wrong I just can’t handle the frustration, or whatever it is. If I stay on the task long enough I develop a solution or understanding. But to do that I need to go through those emotions each time. Sometimes it takes weeks or months although many of tasks are not hard. At least in the sense that writing a module I need doesn’t require any special knowledge.
I also think that I have problems with generalizations. Like, for an example, I couldn’t understand that “You are a bad son” is an accusation by myself. Although I do understand the concept itself. It seems like I wasn’t being able to recognize that the phrase is an accusation. In the end I just asked another person.
I was left by father at five, by mother at nine. She retake me six years later under pressure of other family, she was emotionally abusive (NPD). I was heavily bullied in school, was manhunted by a group of sexual abusers in early years, can’t remember the exact age, but it was between six and nine.
Basically I just want help and guidance to end it but have no money. (From Russia)Trying to Do Something Causes Strong Emotions and Lead to Quick Exhaustion
Trying to Do Something Causes Strong Emotions and Lead to Quick Exhaustion
I am very sorry to hear that you are having this ongoing struggle. While I believe getting professional help would be the best route I understand that you need interventions that have no cost connected to them.
Since you have access to the web I will recommend one of our forums so that you can chat with others who will understand. The cost is free and people are on there 24/7.
I would also highly recommend you begin meditating. There are many meditation sites, Headspace and Insight Timer are two of the more popular ones. Learning how to meditate should help with a number of the symptoms you are mentioning.