Basically, I practically can’t work or do much beyond common tasks. Something in the process causes strong and very painful emotions I can’t nor identify nor find the cause.
Even thinking about tasks like paperhanging a room or changing the way incoming data are saved in the program (I’m a developer) causes extreme frustration and perplexity. I can’t get myself together for a very long time, lay task aside, and find reasons to not do it or do something less frustrating to stall time. Although, I can’t guarantee that this is a correct description, most of situations like that are as in the fog and I don’t fully remember what is happening. And each time I turn my attention to any of such situations it causes the same emotional reaction. Trying to analyze them is hard to the point that it took me around two and a half years together this much information.
The effects of emotions are very strong, at first I required weeks to recover and gather strength. Which usually was lost in literally few minutes as I returned to work.
It also gets in the way of learning. I tried to paint or model something many times and as soon as something goes wrong I just can’t handle the frustration, or whatever it is. If I stay on the task long enough I develop a solution or understanding. But to do that I need to go through those emotions each time. Sometimes it takes weeks or months although many of tasks are not hard. At least in the sense that writing a module I need doesn’t require any special knowledge.
I also think that I have problems with generalizations. Like, for an example, I couldn’t understand that “You are a bad son” is an accusation by myself. Although I do understand the concept itself. It seems like I wasn’t being able to recognize that the phrase is an accusation. In the end I just asked another person.
I was left by father at five, by mother at nine. She retake me six years later under pressure of other family, she was emotionally abusive (NPD). I was heavily bullied in school, was manhunted by a group of sexual abusers in early years, can’t remember the exact age, but it was between six and nine.
Basically I just want help and guidance to end it but have no money. (From Russia)