I admire your courage in talking about this and trying to rectify the inner struggle. Our beliefs dominate how we perceive our behavior (and for that matter the behavior of others). It seems to me that you have created a double bind for yourself. Double-binds are often associated with OCD style thinking: You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Rather than focus on this specific issue, I would encourage you to bring the issue of double-binding yourself with your thoughts back to your therapist. He or she will understand the core components of this thinking and can help you beyond trying so solve this particular dilemma.