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Girlfriend’s Abusive Sexual Past

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I’ve been together with this wonderful girl for about a year now known her for few months before this, really everything that I can ask for. She’s extremely devoted and we have a strong and stable relationship going.

Just one thing I can’t really get out of my head was when I learnt of her past. She was subjected to child molestation (nearly raped) repeatedly for close to decade by a cousin of hers back when she was young (5-14 years old) and subsequently an abusive ex that hit her when she was about 18. This led her to depression which she has worked past but occasional relapse when we have huge arguments.

I get these images haunting my mind of her sexual encounters somewhat like my brain is playing tricks with me and it’s really a mix of emotions of jealousy, hurt, anger, unfairness and frustration.

One thing’s for sure is that its my responsibility to deal with this and really none of it is her fault because it really wasn’t her choice. I refuse to talk to her about it because she has enough burdens in her life and adding more would be totally inhuman of me. I’ve tried to work past it and progression is slow.

I really do want to get back at the people who wronged her, but I know clearly this is feeding my own ego and not actually solving the problem. But I still want to do it. Would this actually make me feel better?

My question is how am I suppose to accept these feelings, I don’t want it to affect our relationship in the long run. Secondly, should I be seeking professional help or is this something time will aid me with? (From Singapore)

Girlfriend’s Abusive Sexual Past

Answered by on -


I understand how difficult it is to have these intrusive thoughts and feelings. Your instincts are right. I believe the best way to manage them is to be engaged with individual psychotherapy. Getting professional help at this time will help you deal with the rumination about your girlfriend’s past.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Girlfriend’s Abusive Sexual Past

Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp:

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Girlfriend’s Abusive Sexual Past. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 25, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 13 Jan 2017)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych All rights reserved.