I don’t want to go to see a doctor in person, because that means I have to look at them. When I am around others I can’t help but act completely normal and ‘happy’. I hate being judged, so I don’t tell them anything that’s going on. I am afraid of people. I would feel like an idiot and I always have whenever I have opened my mouth about something. I know how to act perfect in social situations- Smile, laugh, converse at all the right ques. I’ve been told by my parents that I am extremely manipulative. I act normal around them now too. The only persons feelings I care about are my Mothers. That’s it. Couldn’t care less about any other. I hate being touched, Don’t care about others feelings or what they are doing, Will always assume I am being lied to. I always question if this is actually my personality. Is this actually me or is my mind just telling me that? I like to be alone all the time, don’t want to sleep, cant sleep. I like others misfortune and often go deep into thought about killing/harming others I see/know or myself. I have acted upon myself often. It makes me happy. Given the opportunity I would consume a human. I tried to strangle my sister once. I wanted to kill her. Don’t touch me, don’t talk to me, don’t look at me- I know you’re thinking about me or talking about me. Leave me alone. I have myself screaming in my head SSSHH! I tell myself to shoosh all the time-out loud I don’t know why. I want to smash everything! I don’t desire a partner-How annoying!Anything sexual is absolutely repulsive! I just want to think. I often will ramble- what I want to say, what I think in my head, never comes out how I want it to- It never makes any sense I hate it!
I don’t know if we are real. Are we actually real? Why? We’re so minuscule, why should I care? You are always being watched, even alone in my house I am being watched- Everyone knows, always assume. I scream at people in my head, but I would never actually do it..I think I would need quite a push. I don’t intend to have a very long life. why would I?
Diagnosed with Anxiety & Depression But Is It?
You said that you don’t want to visit a “doctor in person” because you don’t want to “have to look” at them. The fact that you been diagnosed with depression and anxiety would suggest that you have already visited a doctor in person. He or she seemed to think that depression and anxiety were the most fitting diagnoses. The professional who had the opportunity to meet with you in-person would have been in the best position to offer a diagnosis. Perhaps depression and anxiety are accurate diagnoses.
Your not wanting to be around others or be in a relationship, your desire not to “have a very long life,” and your engaging in self-harm, are consistent with depression. People with anxiety are afraid of people. They’re very self-conscious about how they are perceived by others and will often avoid social situations because of their anxiety.
The symptoms that are inconsistent with depression and anxiety include your desire to “consume a human” and your belief that you are being watched. Those symptoms may be related to depression and anxiety, but I would need more information to know with certainty.
Maybe you don’t have a strong desire to change but none of the symptoms you have described seem pleasant. They seem to be degrading your life. If you want to improve your quality of life, then you should be in treatment. The symptoms you have described are treatable with therapy and medication.
Depression and anxiety are two of the most common mental illnesses in the world. Many people who have symptoms just like yours have recovered with treatment.
If you’re willing to go to treatment, then you can expect a positive change. If you’re unwilling to go to treatment, then these problems could worsen. I hope that you choose treatment. There’s no reason to live with curable problems. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle