(We don’t usually edit letters but for your privacy, I have done so.) What a terrible pile up of tragedies and problems! It is no wonder you are suffering. It is no wonder that you are at times swamped with emotions. You do need support and help — far more than I can offer in an advice column.
All I can do is affirm that you have every reason to be sad and angry and confused. I can also encourage you to go slow with the relationship with a married man who is wracked with guilt and who has a diagnosis of bi-polar. Not all harbors in a storm are ultimately safe. However much you two may care for each other and comfort each other, neither of you is in any shape to make a commitment to another person. You both have serious issues that deserve your attention. Left untreated, those issues will make any relationship extremely difficult over the long run.
I strongly urge you to explore options for getting help. I wrote this article a number of years ago for people like yourself who don’t have immediate access to therapy: https://psychcentral.com/lib/when-you-cant-afford-psychotherapy/.
Please take care of yourself. You made a good start by writing to us here at PsychCentral. Now, please, reach out and get the help you need and deserve.
I wish you well.