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My Boyfriend of 6 Years Seems to Be Losing His Sex Drive

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From the U.S.: My Boyfriend & I have been dating on & off for 6 years! (He’s the love of my life and we envision a future together) Our sex life has always been our main hub of communication and intimacy! Its been a place of closeness, understanding & a mutually powerful place in our relationship. The past year & a half, we have moved in together & been taking our future/our relationship more seriously than we have in the past.

It seems the more comfortable we have gotten together, the less sexual he has been! This year, I have heard more “No’s” then ever before. It started about a year ago. His reasons vary from, “I’m lazy, I’m tired, I’m sore, I just laid down, I don’t feel like it, I don’t feel sexual, Im numb, I just woke up, Its too late at night, No is no.” Sometimes I find myself being pushy & trying to convince him. I eventually get turned off, upset & frustrated. The occasional times that Ive convince him to get sexual, I struggle to reach orgasm.

During sex, I get trapped in my head & get the vibe that he is only doing it to please me and stop my nagging, not because he genuinely wants to (or he would have initiated, right?) Then it takes forever for me to reach orgasm, he gets tired, & the whole thing goes down hill & I wind up disappointed & emotional.

I’ve gone through phases of taking it personally, (which has affected my self esteem deeply), Ive tried backing off & not initiating, pretending i don’t care for it, masturbating, buying new sex toys/ lingeri to ignite excitement, making alone time for myself- (maybe the distance would make him miss me).

I have tried everything. We’ve had long nights of me crying & fighting about it, times where i gently try to talk with him & how its affecting me… He admits that he isn’t as horny & would rather masturbate to get it over with. He is in denial that its a problem & never tries to brainstorm solutions. The fact that he is unwilling is discouraging & scary for me. Ive become insecure, afraid that maybe he just isn’t sexually attracted to me anymore. Its driving me crazy & I feel like I’m obsessing over this more simply because of the rejection/ challenge. HELP!

My Boyfriend of 6 Years Seems to Be Losing His Sex Drive

Answered by on -

A.

If your boyfriend continues to see you as the “love of his life” as well, he should see a doctor. Not all sexual dysfunction is about feelings. Sometimes it is medical. He may resist seeing a doctor because he fears that something is wrong with him. I hope you can encourage him. If there is something wrong physically, the earlier it is treated, the more likely that the treatment will be successful.

If he is medically fine, then I’m afraid you do need to look at the possibility that he may not feel the same about you as you do about him. You two have been together since you were only 17. Often what people want and need in a romance changes as they move into adulthood. What was a fine relationship as teens isn’t what a person needs in his (or her) twenties. Your boyfriend’s body may be telling you what he can’t bring himself to tell you (and maybe even himself) verbally.

A conversation about this is very painful but necessary. Otherwise you could slide into a marriage because it is what is “expected” or the “next logical step”. Such marriages usually end up unhappy and often end in divorce. Both people regret the years they let go by without being honest with themselves and each other; both feel cheated out of years when they could have been with someone more appropriate.

I understand that thinking about separating is very, very difficult. It means confronting the possible loss of the future you thought you had as well as the man you have loved. But it also opens up other exciting possibilities for you. I hope you can find the courage to open the conversation.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My Boyfriend of 6 Years Seems to Be Losing His Sex Drive

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). My Boyfriend of 6 Years Seems to Be Losing His Sex Drive. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 24, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2016/12/16/my-boyfriend-of-6-years-seems-to-be-losing-his-sex-drive/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.