You recognize that you have a problem but refuse to seek help for it. That would suggest that you are okay with killing animals to satiate your homicidal fantasies. Most people find the idea of killing abhorrent. They would not enjoy thinking about it and would never kill unless they were forced to, in a self-defense situation. You both think about it and do it. You have an emotional reaction to it (depression and anxiety) but it is not enough to stop you from doing it or to convince you to seek help for it.
When you recognize that a problem exists, you should seek help. That is the responsible course of action. It’s especially important to seek help for a problem that puts lives in danger. The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), the top federal law enforcement agency in the United States, recently increased the legal penalties for people who hurt animals. They consider it a “crime against humanity.” They also recognize that people who kill animals might eventually kill people. Research has shown that killing animals is often a precursor to killing people.
Regarding your parents, you don’t have to discuss or even mention your homicidal fantasies. You could say that you would like to meet with a counselor to discuss your depression and anxiety issues. That would be a perfectly reasonable request. Many teenagers struggle with depression and anxiety.
You are in control of your impulses and urges, but as you correctly noted, there may come a time when you lose control. At that point, you might do something that leads to serious legal problems for you. For people whose conscience is not enough to stop them from killing, the societal solution is incarceration for life or death by execution. You are putting your own life at risk by refusing to seek treatment.
As I see it, you are at a crossroads. One road involves your seeking mental health treatment which could positively alter your life course. The other road involves more violence and suffering. The only wise and moral choice is treatment. Any other choice would be a mistake, resulting in far-reaching, negative consequences for you. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle