From a young teen: A few years ago, I went through several months of what I guess can only be described as really crippling depression. I was really stupid and slit my wrists and cried for no reason and forced myself to stop eating, that kind of stuff. What I remember really distinctly is assuming everyone else was going through the same thing. Anyway, when I kinda eased out of that phase, I became a lot happier and somewhere along the way I realized there was something different and bad about the way I’d been feeling for a couple of months (more like a year, really).
It’s coming back a little now, is the thing. Since around late last year, I’ve been feeling the same way on and off. I haven’t harmed myself, mostly because I know it’s idiotic, but also because I know I don’t want to kill myself. I want to die, though, a little bit.
Mostly the problem, though, has been this weird anxiety literally from the moment I wake up, something that feels a lot like schizophrenia except I know it’s me who’s yelling at me. The instant I wake up it’s like my whole body tightens with inexplicable anxiety. It doesn’t make any sense. And I yell at myself inside my head, I hear my voice inside my head yelling at myself and I hear my voice talking to me during the day.
Sometimes when I’m feeling very strange I can focus on the noise in my head and hear voices talking but I don’t know whose they are, and they’re not saying anything that makes any particular sense. That’s only happened a few times, though.
I don’t know if this matters, but I also have very loud music in my head, all the time. Another thing is that I am deeply distrustful of my friends, I don’t ever feel like they’ll understand what I have to say. I know it’s stupid. But I feel entirely disgusted at myself whenever I consider confiding in them.
I get frustrated very easily with myself, less so with other people, but that annoyance is still there. I’m obsessed with that which is obscure. I sometimes find it hard to concentrate on and finish things and get irrationally angry with myself because of this.
Anyway, yeah. Do I have something? What do I have? Should I see a therapist?