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Possible Reason(s) for Sudden Obsession with Younger, Unattractive Man

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I’ve been happily single-by-choice for many years. Definitely not even considering ANY possibility of new “romantic” relationship.
Out of NOWHERE, I started constantly thinking about & plotting ways to spend time with a man approx 15 yrs younger than I. He works evenings & nights as a security guard where I reside. He’s been working here for approx. 6 mos.
I’d seen & even spoken briefly to him several times previously, but without a hint of warning I became “closer” (no physical exchanges due to my faith & beliefs). Here’s the kicker: he couldn’t be FURTHER from what has always been my “type”. Where I live there are many different nationalities & people from many diverse ethnic backgrounds. I’ve always been attracted first & foremost, by physical appearance & to races other than mine (Caucasian). This “young man” is Hispanic, having only arrived in Hawaii last year, and is pure WHITE, skinny, shaved head, big ears & a horrible physique.
Now’s the time to add the fact of my extremely good, rare physical shape-not only for “my age” but for women in general. I’ve had 5 large babies but have always been very athletic-serious weight-lifting for many years as well as running, canoe-paddling etc. In 2009 I realized my 35-year dream & underwent an abdominoplasty which removed 2 lbs. of loose skin only-no liposuction needed-& complete abdominal muscle restoration (stretch marks & scars are history & I’ve had extensive tattooing over the surgical scars. People think I’m “fibbing” when they learn about my large family because my body definitely is not the “norm” in the many-children dept.
I’m 5′ 2″, still somewhat muscular, have long, straight hair (in which I keep all traces of white from becoming obvious) & am feisty & energetic. I’m certainly not movie-star gorgeous but not too shabby for 61*
So…what is up with my totally out-of-character attraction to this guy? He has a beautiful accent I call “Sprench” for Spanish/French because it sounds like a little of both. He’s been very kind & considerate but I think I’ve frightened him with my hyper, “dog-with-a-bone” personality. He’s separated from his wife, who’s in CA.
I mean, if my kids ever knew about this they’d think I’d totally lost it. I have 2 bodybuilder sons & all my children are super attractive, as are their kids. What do I do???

Possible Reason(s) for Sudden Obsession with Younger, Unattractive Man

Answered by on -


You may have matured to seeing and connecting beyond other attributes you’d found attractive. By the way you’ve described your background and situation it seems like your previous “types” didn’t work out. Someone’s type is almost always also a euphemism for their troubles. Since there is no romantic inclination and his uniqueness, kindness, and thoughtfulness are real elements of the relationship it might be worth letting it be an evolving friendship — rather than an obsession. Any new relationship has an intensity that wears off and becomes more compassionate. My guess is that this will evolve in the same way as you are not looking for it to be romantic. It isn’t always a pathological thing to feel good in the presence of others.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral


Possible Reason(s) for Sudden Obsession with Younger, Unattractive Man

Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp:

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Possible Reason(s) for Sudden Obsession with Younger, Unattractive Man. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 25, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 25 Nov 2016)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych All rights reserved.