I almost never received any love from my father and I spent very little time with my grandfather and I think my attraction to older men has a lot to do with this. I’ve just never had an older man as a role model growing up or any man at all until I was about 15 and by that time, I had already crushed on multiple older guys.
This attraction is quite uncomfortable because it becomes obsessive a lot of the time. I try to find pictures of them, stare at them (the pics) for minutes, I try to find out their number, e-mail and address. I never contact them though so I don’t know why I always do this. It’s as if I feel some sort of instant emotional connection with certain older men without ever having met them before. The obsession continues for at least a few weeks and then, I generally find some other older man to obsess over. This never happens with men close to my age. I am attracted to them too but I have never been in love or obsessed with any of them. I also rarely fantasize about being in a relationship with any of them.
I think I unconsciously associate older men with intelligence, maturity, seriosity and confidence and other than that, it seems incredibly random. I can’t find some pattern to even understand what type of older men I feel attracted to. I guess they all have beards (which I’m not sure is relevant) and pretty much all of them are between 50 and 65 years of age. I definitely don’t like men in their 40s or older than 70.
It bothers me because I don’t think it is very healthy or very like me. I like to think of myself as an extremely rational person that is controlled by their thoughts and not emotion but this whole situation seems uncontrollable and bizarre and I don’t think I want to feel like this my whole life.
Can I change it and, if so, how? (From Romania)