I wish you would have included more information about your life circumstance that may be causing you to feel this way. People who have a desire to harm and kill are generally unhappy and hurt. Often, they are the victims of abuse or bullying (by family members and peers). Their desire to maim or kill could be a psychological defense mechanism that occurs in response to the powerlessness or helplessness associated with trauma and victimization. If you have been hurt, then it’s natural to fantasize about overpowering the people who have caused you pain. This may also generalize to the public at large and go beyond the specific victimizers. For some others, they are angry at the world and fantasize about destroying people, no one in particular.
There may be other reasons why people develop murderous thoughts, but it is always a sign of a person in distress who needs help. I would strongly urge you to ask your parents for their assistance in seeking mental health treatment. You don’t have to tell them specifically why you want help but only that you would find it beneficial to talk about what’s bothering you. You don’t believe that your parents would understand your request for treatment, but you could be wrong. It’s worth trying.
If asking your parents is not an option, then speak with the guidance counselor or the school psychologist about this problem. They can help you access mental health treatment.
Finally, if you feel out of control or that you might engage in dangerous behavior, either by attempting to harm yourself or someone else, call emergency services or go to the nearest hospital. Emergency personnel can prevent you from doing something that you would later regret. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle