As you search for an answer to an important question, you must recognize the absolute necessity to base that answer on fact and not upon assumptions or misconceptions. If your facts are wrong, your answers will also be wrong. Put the wrong numbers into an equation and you can be sure that the solution to that equation will be wrong.
Much of what you have written about men and women is simply a stereotype. No matter how widely believed or commonly accepted a stereotype is, by definition, it is incorrect. For instance, is it true that men do not like to cuddle? No, it is not. Many men, like to cuddle. Is it true that all women wear makeup, have their nails painted and their hair done? No, many women never paint their fingernails or toenails and do not have their hair done. Is it true that all women want to cuddle? No, it is not. Is it true that women will not tell you to your face but will only gossip about you and talk about you behind your back? No, it is not true. These are stereotypes that are popularized, often widely believed but are simply, untrue. Male and female stereotypes have been well studied in peer-reviewed research and have all proven to be untrue.
You cannot judge yourself by these false stereotypes. Are women more emotional than men? Absolutely not. Is it true that men do not cry? No, men do cry even though they have been trained not to by society at large and ostracized and often punished when they have done so, since they were tiny children. Still, men cry.
If you believe the stereotypes, then you’re more like a man than a woman. But the stereotypes are false and cannot be believed and thus whatever is bothering you about your behavior cannot be explained by sexist stereotypes.
You mentioned that you do not cry when hurt but instead become angry. I’ve always taught my students and clients that anger is the “cheapest” of all emotions. When in a highly charged emotional state the cheapest emotion to reveal is anger. Cheapest, meaning that anger does not reveal vulnerability. Showing hurt, in any form, reveals vulnerability. You are telling the very person who has hurt you, exactly what works.
Keep in mind, that when someone has hurt you it may have been intentionally or unintentionally. Intent is very important. It is often considered by the law when deciding guilt or deciding which criminal charges will be filed. We should not react equally to those who hurt us. We must first decide if the hurt we feel was the intention of the person who hurt us. We should also try to decide if the hurt we feel is legitimate. In other words, I am hurt but should I be? All of these factors and many more must be considered.
If we had the customary hours in counseling, I believe that I could bring clarification to the points that I bring up in this answer. With time, I believe that you and I would both agree. We can’t do that over the Internet but you can find a local counselor who should be able to help you find the answers you seek. Good luck, my friend.
Dr. Kristina Randle