I spent a good portion of my life depressed, and was somewhat suicidal. I would have killed myself but I didn’t want to cause the people who cared about me pain. I finally decided to close a portion of myself because I felt I could not beat it and if I didn’t close off my emotions, I would have killed myself. Fast forward about 6-7 years and I’m wondering if it’s time to try to reopen myself.
I’m content with life now, not happy, but not sad and not depressed. I haven’t thought about killing myself in years, and I’ve learned that the old feeling I had were wrong. I always knew they were wrong but I always felt they were true. Now I know and feel they were wrong. So basically I’m not in a bad place.
I know I gave up strong feelings doing this, and also firmly believe It was either this, or death. I gave up a part of myself and I feel I’m not who I was meant to be. I don’t care about anything strongly now. The reason I never seriously attempted suicide before was I didn’t want to hurt my family and friends. Now none of that means much to me. I just don’t really care strongly about anyone and I’ve become more selfish. I tend to keep to myself and would rather be home alone, than anywhere, with anyone.
So basically I’m thinking, should I try to open that door and feel more strongly again, or should I leave things the way they are? I don’t know if I could open the door, but saying I could, should I?
My brain tells me no, but my guy says I should. Logically the only reason I think I should is I’m worried that as I get older, I get more closed off and eventually I’ll be a bad person, not caring about my family or friends at all.I Was Very Depressed, Closed a Part of Myself Off and Am Thinking of Trying to Open that Part Back Up
I Was Very Depressed, Closed a Part of Myself Off and Am Thinking of Trying to Open that Part Back Up
I admire the grit, resiliency, and courage it takes to push yourself to reopen that part of you. I think that is an extraordinary demonstration of your character. I believe it is worth the struggle.
I’d recommend group therapy. Joining a group that will allow you to explore your emotions in a safe environment is the best way to experiment and get feedback about what works and what feels right. The Find Help tab at the top of the page can help you find someone in your area, or you can check out this organization of qualified group counselors.