I spent a good portion of my life depressed, and was somewhat suicidal. I would have killed myself but I didn’t want to cause the people who cared about me pain. I finally decided to close a portion of myself because I felt I could not beat it and if I didn’t close off my emotions, I would have killed myself. Fast forward about 6-7 years and I’m wondering if it’s time to try to reopen myself.
I’m content with life now, not happy, but not sad and not depressed. I haven’t thought about killing myself in years, and I’ve learned that the old feeling I had were wrong. I always knew they were wrong but I always felt they were true. Now I know and feel they were wrong. So basically I’m not in a bad place.
I know I gave up strong feelings doing this, and also firmly believe It was either this, or death. I gave up a part of myself and I feel I’m not who I was meant to be. I don’t care about anything strongly now. The reason I never seriously attempted suicide before was I didn’t want to hurt my family and friends. Now none of that means much to me. I just don’t really care strongly about anyone and I’ve become more selfish. I tend to keep to myself and would rather be home alone, than anywhere, with anyone.
So basically I’m thinking, should I try to open that door and feel more strongly again, or should I leave things the way they are? I don’t know if I could open the door, but saying I could, should I?
My brain tells me no, but my guy says I should. Logically the only reason I think I should is I’m worried that as I get older, I get more closed off and eventually I’ll be a bad person, not caring about my family or friends at all.