Hey I am 22, gay black and very anxious. I am in a long distance relationship. I am very jealous and insecure I have issues with accusing my boyfriend of cheating I want to trust him and I have been recently but I believe I feel like he needs to prove his loyalty first which is why I am so anxious and afraid. He is out and about and I feel like there is a burning when I look on his fb and see something to suspicious he says he loves me and only me but I can’t believe him. I am very emotional and clingy and he is stone cold seemingly and overly logical which makes me feel like r doesn’t really love me because when I want his comfort he just gives me some cold fact than make me feel reassured. He has something that he has gone through because he told me he can’t love me the way that would be to me much better than what I am getting now. But he will not open up. I don’t want to lose him and he is coming to see me…I am not sure now because we just had another issue most of out issue…my issues center around social media and I hate that about myself. I don’t like that he like pictures of semi naked which makes me feel ugly and unwanted because I don’t look like that and I hate when his friends text or comment thing because I don’t know them and their past with him. He cheated before and I have had a hard time trusting him since that but before that I was accusing him so I feel like I pushed him to it. Please help me I cannot live without this man and I love him with my heart. I am truly in love with him and I want us to work. I don’t want to push him away. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to lose him am I the problem. What can I do to fix this because want to trust him but it is hard when I have not proof. And all I know about him is from social media and it isn’t like over the top but it is shrouded and that makes me more suspicious of him. Like I hate myself for feeling this way because if he is faithful I am essential pushing away a good man.
There are several elements of your concern that I think deserve some review. First, this is a long-distance relationship with a man that has cheated on you and has told you he can’t love you the way you need to be loved. In addition, he cannot be vulnerable enough to tell you what causes him to be this way. You are saying you want him to prove his loyalty, but everything about his fidelity, location, and emotional availability suggest you are more drawn to his potential than his truth. I don’t think you are pushing away a good man as much as not seeing who he is.
I’d recommend individual therapy to understand more about this. The Find Help tab at the top of this page can help you find someone in your area.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). Am I the Problem? Can Someone Help?. Psych Central.
Retrieved on May 26, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2016/10/03/am-i-the-problem-can-someone-help/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.