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Should I Quit My Wife?

Asked by on with 1 answer:

Hi. I’m 45, I’ve been with my wife for 23 years, we have 3 kids (14, 11, 7). Looking back at my life I don’t have any regret. But looking forward in the future, I have many desires of travel, freedom, meeting people, going out at night etc…

When coming home I have this immense feeling of boredom. I cook and eat with the family and usually get quick in bed watch a movie then sleep. My wife works late and I get up early so I usually sleep before her.
I don’t have much to blame my wife. Of course she’s not perfect but we get along well, although we tend to have different centers of interest.
Do I love her? I’m not sure. I certainly don’t want to her but I’m wondering if my love is more from habit than true love, if you see what I mean.

Other girls… yes I had a couple of affairs recently for short period of time. It really made me feel alive. It’s over now, and I’m not planning to stop a relationship to start another right away.

I intend to make things right. I love my kids and there is no way I will abandon them. I want to see them grow and I want them to know their father.

Last but not least I’ve read quite a lot around this question. It seems the first reaction is to provide advises to fix the relation (discussion, temporary separation, therapy etc…). It is all fine and somewhat useful but it seems to me that is not the question. The real question is about me knowing which decision is the right decision. Is it just a temporary feeling (although it’s been around for almost a year now) or a true need for change.

Plus, there is no turning back in this situation. If I separate, there is no way I could come back a few month or year after.

Please help! Please tell me what I should do to be sure of my decision, which ever it is.

Thanks in advance. (From France)

Should I Quit My Wife?

Answered by on -

A.

 The emphasis has to be on whether or not there is enough in your marriage to build on going forward. The advice you are reading about is likely referring to this fact — the only question is if the marriage is viable and worth going forward. I would be direct and discuss this with your wife. Let her know how you feel and that it needs to change. You might be surprised at her reaction — often the other spouse is just as unhappy as well. Talk about the options. You could work on trying to make it better by yourselves (not usually very successful) you could separate, or you could go into therapy. Since there are children I would suggest the latter so you have a chance to either work on the relationship or end the marriage in a way that disrupts the children the least.

Acting out with the affairs is likely to continue if you don’t deal with this more directly. This will create more problems downstream than if you try to deal with it directly.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

 

Should I Quit My Wife?

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Should I Quit My Wife?. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 17, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2016/09/18/should-i-quit-my-wife/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.