Let me begin with the symptoms I have had all my life. Ever since I was little, I have been anxious in large crowds, especially in crowds full of strangers, so much so that I spend a lot of my free time, not at work or school, at home. Time outside in situations with people, I find myself struggling to find a topic of conversation, or continuing on with a subject. I find myself saying things at the wrong time, or reacting oddly to other people’s reactions. At times, I seem to incorrectly read people’s emotions, whether spoken or not, and I tend to get angry and frustrated when there is no need to be. Because of this, I am conflicted, because when I am at home, I wish to be out with people doing something, but when I am around my friends and family, though I do enjoy it for some time, I end up wishing I were back at home.
This is the intro to my current problem. Normally, I find myself not wanting to be in the middle of attention, because that would just cause me to be anxious and almost rather be dead than in that moment. However, recently, I have been wanting some sort of emotional attention. What I mean by that is, I don’t want people complimenting me and praising all my good works, because, honestly, whenever someone says something positive about me, it’s total BS and they’re just trying to make me feel better about myself. Instead, I want something more emotional and physical. I’m not really into that sexual type stuff, so lately, I’ve been really wanting some sort of serious illness to hit, especially me but also to my family.
I want this illness, whatever one comes my way, to occur at the worst possible time, so I have an excuse to cry in front of people, and for people to give me support. I want an illness to give me a reason to spill out all my emotions out to someone without worrying about them judging me, or turning away from me because I didn’t say something right. I just want to be comforted, because I have all these emotions bottled up in me so that I don’t even know what I feel sometimes. What do I do?