From the U.S.: I am terrified of life. I am anxious all the time. I have panic attacks almost every time I leave the house. I say one thing and act the opposite way. I’m depressed more often than not. I think about suicide every day, or at least every other day. I’ve contemplated it, thought about the best ways to do it. I drink too much and then act worse.
I’m not a nice or good person. I don’t deserve the things I have. I feel like my toxic personality is wearing away at my body. My teeth are bad. I can’t see. I’m going bald. My posture is garbage. I’ve got no jawline to speak of. My legs are crooked. I’m conscious of all of these things every single time I see another person. I’m worthless. I’m not a nice or good person. I don’t try. I don’t do anything. I just exist and I’m even shitty at that. I’m worthless. If I were to kill myself I don’t think it would matter at all. But I’m too scared to do it. I don’t even have the confidence to kill myself, how can I look other people in the eyes and expect anything other than what I assume they’re thinking which is all about how terribly worthless I am, how much they dislike me, my ugly face and my crooked spine and the way my voice sounds like I’m swallowing a toad?
I regret a large portion of my decisions and yet I continue to do things that are stupid and mean and senseless. I’m scared and nervous and anxious and worried and sad and angry and disappointed and lonely and tired. I don’t have any good qualities. I don’t have anything to offer anyone. I have no confidence. I have no self worth or worth to others. I’m like some kind of shell filled with nothingness.
I don’t know what to do. I cannot keep this up, I’m disgusting even to myself and can’t understand why anyone would want to be around me. I’m a dumb ugly loser thats mean and self absorbed. I can’t get motivated to do anything. I just mope around feeling bad and doing nothing and then feeling worse. Whats wrong with me?I Feel like I’m Losing My Mind
I Feel like I’m Losing My Mind
I don’t know how your low opinion of yourself got started but it certainly has taken on a life of its own. You are ruminating. That means that you are going over and over and over and over how inadequate you are. Like water moving over a stone, the repetition is wearing you down and out. By repeatedly telling yourself what a worthless person you are, you are reinforcing your sense of your own worthlessness.
Enough. You don’t have to do that. Since you do know that things you do are “stupid and mean,” you aren’t psychotic. You do know that you are stuck in negativity and you do know the difference between right and wrong. The fact you are ignoring is that you are choosing the life you have. Because it is a choice, you can choose a different path.
Since you haven’t been able to pull yourself out of this hole on your own, I hope you will make an appointment with a therapist. Therapy will help you stop the ruminating and start to put a better life in motion. Cognitive-Behavior Therapy would probably be the most helpful.
Writing to us here at PsychCentral was a very good start. It shows that you haven’t really given up on yourself. Take that little indication of self-respect another step. Get yourself the help you need and, yes, deserve.
I wish you well.