I receive questions like yours nearly every week. They are often from teenagers, like yourself, who are in distress and who wrongly believe that going on a killing spree is the answer to their problems. That idea, at least in part, I believe, comes from the people who have gone on killing sprees. The message that killing and going out in a blaze of glory is a viable option is unintentionally transmitted through the amount of publicity that each mass murder event receives. It’s not a coincidence that many mass murderers reference those who came before them and look up to them as Gods or heroes. If it were possible to stop bringing so much attention to these events, it could mean that fewer people would consider it as a viable option. In that way, these events are contagious.
President Obama recently held a press conference at the Pentagon where he talked about unstable people who are brainwashed by the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) into believing that they should engage in acts of terrorism. He noted how easy it is for ISIL to attract these troubled individuals to their cause and the difficulty of anticipating lone wolf attacks.
There are people in the United States who are likewise brainwashed into thinking that a mass shooting is a solution to their problems. Their motivation isn’t terrorism per se but often revenge. They want to hurt the people who hurt them or to make people suffer like they have suffered. It is obviously more complicated than that; other motivations exist among mass murderers, but the end result is the same: innocent people die and fear is instilled into society. Whether someone kills on behalf of ISIL or to payback the bully who abused them, it’s terrorism all the same.
There is no easy solution to this problem, and to the problem of copycat mass murderers, but Obama understands it at a deeper level. As he noted: it “require[s] psychology and thinking about how these messages of hate reach individuals, and…interven[ing] ahead of time.”
I’m glad you recognize your need for help and that killing people and wanting people to suffer is not a viable solution to your problems. I understand your pain and desire to want to see the people who made you suffer feel as bad as you do but it is always wrong to kill. What will help you the most is counseling, to deal with the trauma you have experienced. It is treatment that will help you heal, not revenge or killing. People often think they will feel better after seeking revenge and studies have shown that not to true. They feel worse not better.
Ask your mother to assist you in seeking counseling. If she won’t help you, then ask a trusted faculty member, the school counselor, a caring relative or a clergyman. Seeking help can protect you from further suffering and from doing something that you would later regret and that could result in your being incarcerated for the rest of your life. If you feel that you cannot control your behavior or that you might hurt someone or yourself, contact emergency services. They can protect you. Please take care.