Hello, I’m 15 and female.. for a while now, I’ve been having strong thoughts about going to school and killing as many kids as I can. with a shotgun or something. I don’t have many friends and I don’t talk to people as much as I used to. I am very interested in weaponry and I’ve had lots of practice. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I know I need help.. but I’m nervous to talk to someone.When I feel like hurting someone, I can feel this energy running through me that makes me want to do it even more. I feel like I am about to do it when that feeling hits me but I try to stop myself by digging my nails in my palm. I fantasize about killing fellow students frequently.
((If this helps, two years ago, I had attempted to kill myself more than once and I was hospitalized many times. Around then, I always thought of murdering my mom’s boyfriend (at the time). I used to hallucinate a lot and I heard voices. I have recovered from being suicidal and all that. I have never talked to anyone about homicidal thoughts, only suicidal (in the past).))
I get in fights a lot with this one boy who used to beat me up and choke me; and if I ever shot up the school, he would be first on my list. I need to get rid of the ones who hurt me and others. I want to release people from this prison some call being alive. I’m filled with hate. I hate how people at school treat me. I’m no more than crap to them and one day, revenge will come. I would rather hurt a person than a dog. People are disgusting, but I know I’m no better than them. I want to kill all the time. I don’t know why I have the need to kill, but I just do. Sometimes, it feels like if I kill someone, I’m saving them from the shit and the piss and the bile of this world. So they don’t have to suffer anymore. So they can leave this filth. I want to give people what they deserve.
I need serious help.. someone, please respond. I have no other resources to use. I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this…thank you.I Want to Go Out & Kill People Who Deserve It
I Want to Go Out & Kill People Who Deserve It
I receive questions like yours nearly every week. They are often from teenagers, like yourself, who are in distress and who wrongly believe that going on a killing spree is the answer to their problems. That idea, at least in part, I believe, comes from the people who have gone on killing sprees. The message that killing and going out in a blaze of glory is a viable option is unintentionally transmitted through the amount of publicity that each mass murder event receives. It’s not a coincidence that many mass murderers reference those who came before them and look up to them as Gods or heroes. If it were possible to stop bringing so much attention to these events, it could mean that fewer people would consider it as a viable option. In that way, these events are contagious.
President Obama recently held a press conference at the Pentagon where he talked about unstable people who are brainwashed by the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) into believing that they should engage in acts of terrorism. He noted how easy it is for ISIL to attract these troubled individuals to their cause and the difficulty of anticipating lone wolf attacks.
There are people in the United States who are likewise brainwashed into thinking that a mass shooting is a solution to their problems. Their motivation isn’t terrorism per se but often revenge. They want to hurt the people who hurt them or to make people suffer like they have suffered. It is obviously more complicated than that; other motivations exist among mass murderers, but the end result is the same: innocent people die and fear is instilled into society. Whether someone kills on behalf of ISIL or to payback the bully who abused them, it’s terrorism all the same.
There is no easy solution to this problem, and to the problem of copycat mass murderers, but Obama understands it at a deeper level. As he noted: it “require[s] psychology and thinking about how these messages of hate reach individuals, and…interven[ing] ahead of time.”
I’m glad you recognize your need for help and that killing people and wanting people to suffer is not a viable solution to your problems. I understand your pain and desire to want to see the people who made you suffer feel as bad as you do but it is always wrong to kill. What will help you the most is counseling, to deal with the trauma you have experienced. It is treatment that will help you heal, not revenge or killing. People often think they will feel better after seeking revenge and studies have shown that not to true. They feel worse not better.
Ask your mother to assist you in seeking counseling. If she won’t help you, then ask a trusted faculty member, the school counselor, a caring relative or a clergyman. Seeking help can protect you from further suffering and from doing something that you would later regret and that could result in your being incarcerated for the rest of your life. If you feel that you cannot control your behavior or that you might hurt someone or yourself, contact emergency services. They can protect you. Please take care.