I honestly don’t know what my problem is. Some days I wake up and instantly hate everything and everyone around me. I go out of my way to block very solution people present me to whatever problem I focus on, and any form of happiness or consolation downright enrages me. If I see someone who is happy, I’ll want to make them unhappy. If I sense any positivity, I want to turn it into negativity. I seldom act on these feelings of anger, I just let them sit until eventually they go away. Though it should be noted that every now and again I lash out at my loved ones in the form of intense arguments and verbal fights.
I have struggled with social anxiety and depression since I was 13, and am now 21. My anxiety has improved somewhat, but not to the point that I would like. I still have incredible difficulties in many social situations, and thinking about those difficulties just makes me angrier. I’ll begin to feel like my friends are just pretending to like me, that my successes in life must be meaningless because someone like ME did it, and that things will stay this way forever, and that’s where the depression comes in.
I’ve been in and out of therapy for as long as I can remember. I have tried just about every antidepressant in the book, (SSRI’s, Buspar, some Beta-Blockers, and benzo’s for my anxiety), and none have given me the kind of results I seek or read that others have had, so I assume my problems aren’t biochemical.
I understand I just need to find the right therapist, and have been looking, but I cannot for the life of me get a read on what it is I’m dealing with here, and to me that is a necessary first step. Outside of my occasional outbursts I have a very close relationship with my family, and no trauma as a child. I just want to understand where these feelings are coming from so I can address them. I want to feel like a human being, not like I’m just some machine that runs the same pre-programmed routine day by day until the batteries die.