From Sweden: I really, really want to be alone. I strongly dislike socializing and I’m really not a people-person. I never really feel like I connect with others and often feel like a misfit around other humans, like I simply don’t belong with them.
I’m incredibly not interested in socializing, not interested in other humans. Every second feels like a “waste of time” and I get bored out of my mind. When I’m by myself I never feel lonely or bored, there’s always something I want to do. I’m always itching to do those stuff I really want to do and find everything else pretty tedious. I spend a large amount of time in my head, and honestly, I feel no desire to become more social.
The only people I got in my life are my mother and my sister. I guess you could say we’ve got a special bond, it’s kind of always been us three together. The problem is, I’m starting to feel like we’re beginning to contrast in a completely wrong way. They’re social – whilst I’m not. They like talking and socializing, “hanging out”, – I loathe it. But since it’s “just us” we’ve only got each other, which means I’m “expected” to be social with them, which I’m not really is.
I know my mom yearns -needs- me to interact with them more, I know my sister is growing a strong dislike towards this solitary side of me – is starting to get annoyed and maybe thinking I don’t care about them.
While I’m incredibly grateful for these two amazing people, I really start to find myself wishing that I was born in some else, less social or caring, family. Or for me to simply stop existing. Or that I would’ve never been born. I’m not sure I can live with the guilt of the situation. Hurting them is the last thing I want to do, but I feel like caged animal nowadays, like I’m forced into a habitat I don’t belong in. Though I also can’t just leave – that would also hurt them.
I’m so lost of what to do. It feels so unfortunate. I just want to thrive in my lonesomeness, and I don’t think that will change, but by doing so I’ll only hurt the people I care so much about. The guilt is killing me. But what is there to do?