Although I know it’s wrong to self-diagnose, I self-diagnosed myself with dysthymia just in February because I started thinking about killing myself, although I never actualized my thoughts (because I know it’s wrong), when before, starting when I was around 8, I just thought of about how life for me and for everyone else around me might be better off without me being born – because I noticed the favoritism of my parents toward me over my sister.
I think it started in February because I’ve started to link it to unfortunate events (i.e. I got sick/got into an accident every February since 3 years ago -this time, I got into an accident in March).
But it started getting worse in April (because election’s in May). I started wanting to kill myself even more, in hopes to convince my family about how wrong their presidential choice is (I’ll explain later).
Election day came and my weird thoughts haven’t gone away.
Back to my family’s presidential choice, everyone except me, voted for one certain candidate and that candidate won, and he’s starting his platform (“Oplan ****”) -killing drug users/pushers/whatever.
Because of that “Oplan”, many activists and the Commission on Human Rights (CHR) stood against the candidate. What annoys me the most is the fact that my family is hating on the activists and CHR for protecting the druggies -which they’re not, their point is that innocent people may be killed and will never get justice because of that (the candidate condones extrajudicial killings).
And now I’m starting to have thoughts of “I hope someone in my family dies, whether it’s me or not, and does not get justice because he/she’s accused of (or framed-up) as a drug pusher.” Then I suddenly thought of how I could be the one to kill someone for that matter. I don’t think of plans to do it, but my mind already imagines the situation afterwards -how reality strikes my family then I’ll just smile.
I’m pretty sure this isn’t normal… I think it might be because of my activism, but it’s already a part of me and I don’t want to stop it. I’m also thinking it might be because of other reasons -right now, I can think of around 5 more reasons.
What can I do to stop these thoughts? Or should I just let these thoughts flow?