You mentioned being attracted to the physical act of killing and seeing blood. Similarly, people who engage in self-injury are also attracted to the physical release they get from it. It temporarily allows them to shift away from their emotional pain but it is very short-lived. It seems that you are suffering and searching for alternative outlets for your pain. Had you not experienced an abusive childhood, it’s unlikely that you would be having these problems.
The people who were supposed to care for you, to love and to protect you, were the ones who hurt you. That is a breach of the ultimate trust. Anyone in that situation would have felt powerless and helpless. Murder fantasies could be your way of compensating for those feelings. In murder fantasies, you have the ultimate power and control. Nobody can hurt you because you have all of the control. To murder someone is to take away their life force, to end their power and domination over you.
Murder is an act of evil. You’re right to be concerned about this problem because should you carry out your fantasies, you would likely go to prison and perhaps be executed for your crime.
It’s very encouraging that you recognize that something is wrong and that you want help. It significantly increases the probability of your overcoming this problem. You are an excellent candidate for counseling. Counseling will teach you how to express your strong feelings in healthy ways. Others have done it and you can do it too. If you believe that you might harm yourself or someone else, seek emergency assistance. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle