It’s encouraging that you have decided to take a proactive approach to solving this problem. It significantly increases the likelihood of a satisfactory resolution.
The way you describe your thoughts implies that they are not within your control. You can, however, control your reaction to them.
It’s unusual to experience suicidal depression at such a young age. You didn’t include the reason why you felt suicidal at nine years old, but it could have been the result of trauma or a difficult childhood. No one, especially children, naturally feels suicidal. Something must have happened to have caused those feelings.
I would recommend therapy. Therapy could help you to understand why you have these current problems and where they originated. They are probably connected to your early childhood experiences. Exploring these possibilities might be necessary in order to correct this problem.
Should you decide to pursue therapy, consider choosing a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders. It is not uncommon for people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), a type of anxiety disorder, to have intrusive and distressing thoughts about wanting to hurt or kill people. You might also consult a psychiatrist to determine if medication could help.
This is not a problem that you should ignore. Currently, you are able to control your reaction to these thoughts and to not act on them but that could change. You must do whatever is necessary to ensure that you never act on these thoughts. One way to do that is to seek help from mental health professionals. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle