From Russia: I have always found physical suffering attractive. I’m an only child of helicopter parents, and I’ve always felt smothered by their love and protection, fantasizing about loneliness, abandonment, being an orphan etc.
In my childhood I tried to drown garden snails in a teacup and invented stories about injury and pain. I was sickly and frail, stayed at home till 7 and was hospitalized a few times, but never with an injury (they say I was brought into hospital with a massive burn at 2, but I don’t remember it).
Now and then I look for pictures of people wearing casts/bandages, battered and bruised young women (I find them extremely attractive and want to imitate them). My main “fetishes” are facial bruises, black eyes, bandages and broken bones. A few days ago I deliberately gave myself a black eye (I knew I would be staying at home for the next week, so I could afford it). I felt really stunning with it, took a lot of pictures and regretted it being mild.
I’m highly cautious, and it was not a compulsive urge but a calm, “rational” decision to finally please myself – I was careful so as not to damage the eye but still produce a realistic shiner (makeup wouldn’t do), and I wasn’t compelled to do it – just found it beautiful.
My family is a huge turn-off as far as those fantasies are concerned: I imagine a stranger/friend/partner taking care of me after an injury, but the very thought of my parents’ making a fuss is disgusting.
When I try to analyze myself, I see that I tend to focus on the feeling of being hurt but strong (something like: “I…am…alright…” *collapses*). The desired injury should be painful, changing my behaviour and appearance (crutches, casts, or a dazzled look after a head injury, hazy eyes, helplessness and all). At the same time my main fear in real life is mental incapacitation – the very idea of becoming less intelligent gives me the shivers (while temporary amnesia etc. still feels very “cute” in my fan tasies). And I don’t want to hurt, I want to be hurt.
Should I seek counselling?
Should I simply embrace BDSM (Bondage/Dominance/Sadism/Masochism) or traumatic sports for relief? (Virgin, zero physical activity). Is it narcissism/BPD/masochism?