I Need to prove myself to myself. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for over a decade, since I was 13. Through college I went through five majors and the one I graduated with I hated by the end. I began graduate school because I put in all the work in undergrad and my parents wanted me to try grad school. I dropped out before the first semester was over. I work in an unrelated field, making just enough to live on.
I was always told I am very smart. I had a 4.0 gpa in high school and a 4.0 gpa my first 2.5 years of college. I was never drawn to science in high school. My parents highly value practicality and usefulness. They see art and humanities as unnecessary fluff. My friend group was the top 10% of my high school class. They’ve all gone on to masters degrees, medical school, or working in a science-y / technical field.
I wrote a short novel in high school. The summer before going off to grad school I wrote another novel. I self-published and told extended family as well as a few friends about my book. Only my mom bought a copy. I felt very hurt.
I’ve always wanted to make a difference in the world. I want to inspire, share beauty, and touch the humanity in people. I’m moved by music, art, literature, and film. I remember writing short stories in high school, having my parents read them, and seeing my parents with tears in their eyes. They said how well I conveyed human experiences.
I’ve returned to school for another degree in a technology subfield. This field allows me to make good money, and over the past six months I was very excited about the actual content of the degree. The more I look into it, the more I realize that jobs in the real world will be focused on making profit for a company, not helping others.
I wonder if I chose to go back to school to prove to myself that I am smart and capable of hacking it in a science/math/tech field? I feel so lost. A month ago I was gung-ho about this degree. Now I’m wondering if I’m a duckling trying to be a swan. I voiced my concerns to my dad. He said I need to just commit to it and do it.