To sum things up, I haven’t had therapy since I was a child. Im terrified to seek help, but lately the thoughts and impulses scare my safety and others. I idealize a lot of things socially unacceptable, my only confidant said if I were to act or attempt such things they would have to turn me in. I have a hard time knowing whats real pr not, and if others are out to get me. Ive been suicidal n self mutilate my entire life, Ive almost lost it a few times. In 2013 I tried to seek help, I think I was suffering PTSD. After wanting me in group therapy I ran and never went back. I also have substance abuse problems, Im irrational and impulsive, and making common decisions is difficult. I shake constantly, always weak but sometimes feel invincible. I may be anemic but nothing confirms it. I sometimes see things that aren’t there but rarely. I dont like people by any means, nor do I have much empathy. To keep my relationships okay sometimes I fake or overly act certain emotions I know I should have. I crave power and glory, to a point it should be a concern, yet sometimes lack motivation? I know I have experienced depression on many,many occasions. There’s things I’d like to do but I know I never could. I’ve been anticipating a major breakdown for about 8 from suppression, hiding, and faking. Ive had a great deal of tragedies, sexual abuse, abandonment, various suicides. I saved a friend once as a teen, I cut myself fairly bad, but I succeeded in taking the box cutter away after he cut his wrists, throat, and tried to stab his stomach. It plays out in my dreams like I remember, when I awake many things I’ve suppressed flood my head. Overall though the things I want to do, the things I find acceptable etc. thats what is scaring me, also that I can’t remember things.. I guess all of it. The thought of seeking actual help, I know what I feel isn’t normal, but I fear what will become of me or my family if I go and completely honest.Diagnosed Bipolar 2, Fear It’s Becoming Narcissism or Sociopathy
Diagnosed Bipolar 2, Fear It’s Becoming Narcissism or Sociopathy
You are making a mistake by not seeking help. The only thing that could “become of you” if you were to seek help, is that your illness would get to improve. Psychotherapy is a positive experience for most people.
You may be ill-informed about psychotherapy. Negative ideas about it often come from a combination of unflattering pop culture stereotypes and fear. In order for it to be effective you must be open and willing to accept treatment. People who are willing to accept treatment can be helped. People who are unwilling to accept treatment can’t be helped. You can choose to be open to treatment or you can choose to not be open to treatment. The choice is entirely yours.
The symptoms you have described could be the result of the trauma you have experienced. Trauma can cause many problems in life. Psychotherapy is the ideal place to deal with trauma. It can help you to correct your problems.
The bottom line is this: if you choose not to seek help, then you’ll likely continue to suffer and may even engage in criminal behavior for which you could be incarcerated. As you noted, you are on the verge of losing control. Your confidant made it clear that he or she would turn you in to the authorities should you do something that warrants it. Those are indicators that you need help now. It is better to be proactive than reactive. The time to seek help is now, not after something bad has happened. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle