I am from India. Recently I joined a big MNC. This is my first shot in corporate world and since I am a survivor of repeated child sexual abuse, I have very low self esteem, trust and sharing issues I already am not sure if I will be able to survive in this cut throat world. So this happened on an official vacation. I used to think that my boss doesn’t like me at all. So when he started talking to me I was really happy. But then he asked me to accompany him to the beach. It was 11 in the night. Completely sure that he would do nothing, I went (now I can’t stop blaming myself for that stupid decision). Then it started getting really uncomfortable and scary for me. He made sexual advances but I didn’t allow him to do anything. Then he said he was only testing me because he thought I was too mellow for this corporate life and I need to become more fierce. After that my already low confidence is now at a negative level. After that night he acted like nothing happened and it really bugged me. Now I am having dreams about him and I have started developing feelings for him. I am hating myself for it. I feel that because of my past and the fact that I haven’t shared it with anyone in this world I have become really desperate for love and relationship which I have never had. I want to be loved, I want to be valued but since I am overweight I fear I will never get that love. I want to get over my past which I am not able to. Those memories haunt me. Those men, their touch, my attempts to cut myself with blades when I was just 8 or 9 (I would cut my hands, let them bleed and then wash off and carry on normally with my life; my family being unaware of everything). Everything haunts me and I hate myself and when a guy even for wrong reasons said he likes me, I melted. This is so wrong on my part. How can I be so desperate? Help me.My Boss Harassed Me and Now I Think I Have Started Having Feelings for Him, Which Make Me Sick
My Boss Harassed Me and Now I Think I Have Started Having Feelings for Him, Which Make Me Sick
Obviously, giving in to sexual advances from a boss is not an appropriate method of improving one’s performance in the corporate world. The “testing” that he talked about was an attempt to rationalize his illegal behavior. In the United States, his behavior would be considered sexual harassment.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself (i.e. how can I be so desperate?). It is human nature to want to be wanted and loved. I think you have great insight into why you feel the way you do. Your past sexual abuse has a lot to do with your feelings. In addition, low self-esteem and feeling unworthy makes you vulnerable to people who might be seeking to take advantage of you.
Counseling is the ideal place to deal with these issues. If possible, choose a therapist who specializes in trauma and sexual abuse. Counseling could help you deal with the feelings generated from this event and to develop a healthier sense of self-worth so you will choose the right partner. Please take care.