A: You will never get him to “understand.” The problem is not about getting him to understand. He perfectly understands what he is doing. He has always been controlling you and he is trying to continue controlling you now.
You are caught up in the cycle of abuse that is common in this kind of relationship. You keep trying to reassure him, to gain some distance, and to develop a life separate from him. The more you do that, the more he reasserts control. The more he controls, the more you try to reassure. It simply doesn’t, and won’t, work.
I strongly urge you to see if there is a women’s shelter or a domestic violence program near you. Such programs have counselors available who are familiar with the cycle of abuse and who can coach you about how to withdraw safely from this relationship.
I also urge you to consult with a lawyer about your rights. You may need a restraining order to get your boyfriend to respect some boundaries.
In the meantime, do contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 800 799 SAFE (7233). From their website (www.thehotline.org) : “Our highly-trained advocates are available 24/7 to talk confidentially with anyone experiencing domestic violence, seeking resources or information, or questioning unhealthy aspects of their relationship.”
Stay safe: Controlling men often get angry and even violent if they learn that their partner is seeking help. If there is any chance your boyfriend can get access to your phone or your computer, erase this message and use a friend’s or a library computer or phone to contact the Hotline.
I wish you well.