Unfortunately, memories are not like movies that can be called up on demand. Memories are very much influenced by what we have been told, what we think we know, and our feelings, as well as pieces of accurate memory.
Hypnosis doesn’t help either because of the very same confusing assortment of input. In fact, hypnosis can yield false positives because people are often very convinced that anything that comes up in hypnosis must be true.
Far more important than retrieving memories (which you may not be able to do) is to validate that something has happened to you that should not have happened. Three year olds do not know a thing about sex or torture unless they’ve been exposed to it in some way.
I think your dreams are a way you are telling yourself that you have issues to deal with that won’t go away unless you get some help. Yes, you do need help. Please don’t expect yourself to deal with such difficult material on your own. You deserve the support, encouragement and guidance of an experienced therapist.
Although it can be difficult to find help when money is scarce and transportation is unreliable, it’s not impossible. Talk to your school counselor about how to find low cost services for teens in your area. You don’t have to share the details of your problem to ask for help finding a therapist.
Another source of support are forums and support groups that you can join right here on PsychCentral. Members are people who have abuse histories and who are doing their best to heal. You can learn a great deal from listening to their stories.
While you look for a personal therapist, do make use of the Boys Town Hot Line. (1 800 448 3000). Yes, girls can use it too. There are counselors available 24/7 for teens like you who need someone to talk to. It’s free and confidential. If you want more information, check out the website at http://www.boystown.org/hotline.
I wish you well.