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Difficulty Communicating with Husband-to-Be

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From Australia: I’ve been with this guy for about 4 years, and have recently gotten into an unplanned pregnancy. We love children and therefore after a couple days’ deliberation, have decided to keep this child.

However, I’ve been experiencing second thoughts about marrying this man as he has been violent towards me before. First time was when I angrily told him I had sex with someone else (it was not explicitly stated we were mutually exclusive but he deems it as cheating), other times were when I got violent towards myself (I have a history of self-abuse).

He’s much older and has had two previous marriages. Upon receiving news of the child and my desire to keep it, he was extremely elated and was thrilled at the thought of spending the rest of our lives together. This has always been my dream, too. But recently I can’t shake the feeling that he’s simply not ready to be a husband or a father. I also feel drained after spending time with him, but this might also be perhaps due to pregnancy hormones and fatigue.

I feel like if I should bring any issue up with him, he would try to shift the blame to me and imply it is my fault. He seems to act like he’s always correct, and it actually hurts me a lot. He often dismisses my opinions or mocks them, as he seems to believe that I’m much younger and therefore less experienced. When I tell him I feel disrespected by this, he simply tells me that he does respect me.

I’m lost and confused. I’m tired, and I’d really like to be with him but it’s so hard for me to see any way out. I’ve suggested counseling, but he simply refused it citing that he “does not need it”. I’m the crazy, depressed person, it seems.

Difficulty Communicating with Husband-to-Be

Answered by on -


 I’m very glad you were brave enough to send us your question. I’d like to highlight points from your email and feed them back to you.

  1. He has been violent toward you on more than one occasion.
  2. He has had 2 previous marriages, you are much younger than him, and you don’t think he is ready to become a father.
  3. Communication with him is not good. He tends to think he is right and blames you.
  4. He is unwilling to go to counseling because “he ‘does not need it.'” He doesn’t see the momentous issues in front of you as a couple — and sees the problems as only yours.
  5. He dismisses and mocks your opinions — and doesn’t do anything to change.

Is this the man you want to invest your life with? If he isn’t willing to go to counseling, I encourage you to go immediately for yourself. You have some important decisions in front of you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Difficulty Communicating with Husband-to-Be

Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp:

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Difficulty Communicating with Husband-to-Be. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 24, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 1 Jul 2016)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych All rights reserved.