advertisement
Home » Ask the Therapist » I Think I’m in Love with Two Men

I Think I’m in Love with Two Men

Asked by on with 1 answer:

From the U.S.: Where to begin. About 5 years ago when I was very young (16) I met my first love, to whom I lost my virginity to and fell deeply in love with. However, his parents at the time were getting separated and he took this out on me. He didn’t treat me right and I broke things off after about 2 years – not because I didn’t still love him but because we had too many issues at the time.

Since that time we have still kept in contact and he has worked through his issues and become much more mature and still loves and wants to be with me. None of my current friends still know I talk to him, as when we broke up all I did was complain about him and they disliked him.

The last six months, though, I have started dating someone else who I also fell in love with. He is good friends with my current friends. When Im with him I am very happy, but sometimes I still think of my first love and wonder if Ill always think of him. I honestly feel like I am in love with both of these men.

The second one was my friend for a long time before we started dating. We don’t fight nearly as much as I did with my first love. Sometimes I want to date my first love again but Im afraid my friends be angry and not continue being friends with me.

I have tried to get over my first love many times–especially when he was not in a place to be with me. But whenever I would break things off completely I would have panic crying attacks and couldn’t cut off contact completely.

Whats wrong with me? I know I need to choose. Do I really still love my first love or do I just have a weird attachment to him? We live far away from each other so sometimes I wonder if Im just idealizing him and am addicted only to a memory of past love. I cant seem to let him go but I also love the man I’m with now.

I Think I’m in Love with Two Men

Answered by on -

A.

I wish I could answer your question for you. Even if I could, I would not do that because doing so would make me responsible for your choice.

What I can do is give you some questions to ask yourself: Why, for example, is it important to make a choice at this point in your life? You are only 21. You have limited experience relating to men. You’ve only known the new guy 6 months. I encourage you to make more male friends, to date a number of men, and to gain more wisdom about what you need in a relationship before settling down.

Regarding the former love: Please remember you were only 16 when you were together. Your needs as a young adult may be different from what you needed or wanted as a teen. It’s unusual for a first love to be a permanent one (although it does happen). Ask yourself if you would be interested in him if you met him for the first time now.

Your friends’ opinions are important but shouldn’t be a deciding factor. You will be living with the consequences of your choice every day — not your friends.

It is not unusual for a person to bad-mouth an ex in the wake of a break-up. I suspect your friends all know that. If you do decide to go back to your ex, explain to your friends that you said things in anger that are no longer true. They will probably understand.

However, sometimes our friends can see something we can’t when we are emotionally involved. Do take their counsel seriously if they have serious concerns.

Almost everyone has a “what if” guy. What if I had stayed with him? What if he has changed? What if he was “the one” (something, by the way, I simply don’t believe in). What if, what if, what it. At some point, a person has to decide whether to try it out and see or come to terms with the reality that whatever that person offered was for that point in time in life, not for the present.

If you continue to see your present guy but keep up the “what ifs” about the ex, it may be a way to prevent yourself from committing too fast. That might be a good thing for a while. You’ve only known him for 6 months. But if you keep it up for too long, you may be preventing yourself from committing to a quality guy. Only you can make that decision.

I hope this gives you some things to think about.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I Think I’m in Love with Two Men

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). I Think I’m in Love with Two Men. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 12, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2016/06/30/i-think-im-in-love-with-two-men/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.