So I started masturbating when I was about 15. One time I was talking to my dad about–I was going through puberty so we talked about sex and body changes a lot around this time–and he told me about how he liked to masturbate by externally stimulating his prostate. I thought it sounded cool and so I asked him to show me how he did it. At first he demonstrated on himself, but I couldn’t find my own prostate when I tried it, and so he used his hand and did it for me. He only did it for a few seconds just to show me where it was. It felt really amazing, but I didn’t orgasm because he stopped once I started getting an erection and then left for me to finish on my own.
This was, more or less, the only contact we had that could be interpreted as sexual. Him doing this wasn’t weird to me, because my dad and I had always been close. We talked about everything, pretty much, and physical affection was normal, too. You know, we hugged every day, sometimes slept in the same bed, sometimes cuddled if we were on the same couch. But it was never uncomfortable or explicit. I never felt uncomfortable with anything he did, I’ve always felt it was just normal parent-child affection.
I guess I’m just asking for my peace-of-mind. I never thought it bothered me before, but recently I was telling a friend about it, and he was really shocked and said that it was “molestation”. I wasn’t so sure, but then I told another friend and she reacted the same way. If it really was molestation, I wonder if it would be better for me to acknowledge it, or more importantly address if it could be linked to any issues I have with my sexuality now.My Father Showed Me How to Masturbate
My Father Showed Me How to Masturbate
Yours is a complicated question. From what your wrote about the incident, I would agree that you were not molested. Your dad appears to have been instructing you — period. He didn’t get off on it. He left once you understood. It was not repeated.
This is the kind of thing that often happens in groups of pubescent boys who compare their erections and show off their ability to masturbate to climax. Unless there is a power differential, it is not abuse. It is how kids sometimes make sense of their changing bodies.
That being said: You allude to current sexuality issues. Since I don’t have a way to ask follow up questions, I cannot for certain reassure you that your experience with your dad isn’t linked to the current problem in some way. However, given what you shared in your letter, I suspect that the basis of the current problem is not connected to your dad but instead is linked to other issues of insecurity or anxiety or negative self-esteem that are grounded in other experiences.
I hope you will follow up this correspondence with a few sessions with a therapist who can hear your whole story. I do believe that everyone deserves the chance to have a satisfying intimate sex life with someone they love. A therapist will help you gain insight into the source of your problem and will provide the guidance you need to address it.
I wish you well.