I don’t know the best way to explain myself so please bear with me. I tend to have a lot of issues going on in my head. First of all I don’t feel like I think, or have the capacity to think like a normal person. I tend to get different ideas or incorrect information from what people are explaining to me, or it just takes me a long time to process the information that is given to me. This causes me to come off as stupid, or makes me seem that I don’t care. Another thing is I take my transgressions toward others very seriously, when I feel like I’ve don’t something wrong, or let someone down I really take it to heart because I don’t want to be the cause of someone’s disappointment. I feel this is the right thing to do, but I always feel like I’ve don’t something wrong when I express this to my friends or co-workers. Growing up I always felt like I was an intelligent person. I never really thought like a child and was always more aware of myself and how my actions affected those around me than most other children. I love learning, but can’t seem to understand what people are saying to me. I’ve always had this inner monologue that is either pushing me to do something I don’t want to do, or just telling me negative things about myself. I’ve actually caught myself sometimes arguing out loud with this voice. It was me speaking the whole time, but in two different tones. Also I tend to see really horrible images in my head. For example if I see a plane flying by I’ll see it blowing up right in front of my eyes. Or if I’m see a person walking down the street I’ll see them getting hit by a car. I don’t want these things to happen and it really upsets me when I see them to the point where I’ll sometimes start crying. Right now I just had something happen at work that I feel terrible about and it affected everyone in the building. All I keep seeing is me running and jumping out the open window in the office before anyone could stop me. I wouldn’t do it, but I keep feeling this way. These things cause many problems all of my relationships. Any Advice?What’s Wrong?
How you think and feel about yourself seems biased. For example, you “don’t feel like you have the capacity to think like a normal person.” What are you basing that on? What “normal person” measurement are you using? You might be right or you might not be right. The question is not if you feel normal but if in reality your thoughts and feelings are normal or they are not normal.
None of the opinions that you have expressed about yourself, at least in this letter, are positive. You need more objectivity. A therapist could evaluate your thinking and determine if it’s accurate and realistic. Without objectivity, it’s difficult to know whether your assessment of your thinking is accurate.
Regarding the images you see, these could be related to your negative thinking. You seem to have a pattern of negative thinking which is often indicative of depression and/or anxiety. My recommendation is to have an evaluation by a mental health professional. It’s the most efficient way to address these issues. Ask your primary care physician for a referral to a mental health professional in your community. Choose a specialist in cognitive behavioral therapy. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle