Hurt people often want to hurt people. This is not at all unusual. When children have been traumatized, as you were, it is very important to get them psychological treatment so that they have a way to process their hurt and anger.
Apparently, you haven’t had treatment. Please don’t be ashamed that you need it. Of course you do. You were hurt and you are feeling helpless to do anything about it. You are therefore left with your fantasies of a kind of revenge. Sadly, those fantasies are going to make it hard for you to trust other people or to be in loving relationships.
At 19, you are an adult. Although I do think you should involve your parents if you have a good relationship with them, you don’t need to. Talk to your doctor or spiritual leader or someone else you trust about how to find a therapist who specializes in the after effects of trauma on children and teens. Then make an appointment.
You shouldn’t have to live with this tension and unresolved feelings. Please contact a therapist and give yourself a chance to heal.
I wish you well.